I wish you would

I wish life was easier.
I wish it came with a 3-Ring instructional binder that had color coded sections making it easier to navigate.
I wish my mind would slow down and I could just traipse lazily down the road of life to the end of my days without any worry or fears.
I wish it were that easy. 
I wish I didn't get misty-eyed on Hallmark commercials.
I wish I wasn't like my dad.

I wish I didn't have to sleep.
I wish people weren't so gullible.
i wish scientists weren't so smart, but they are.  And they're all atheists, too.
I wish I were a Christian that believed I was going to this beautiful Cloud in the sky when I die, where i got anything I wanted for eternity.  But, I'm not.

I wish I didn't search for answers.  But I do.  And I always will.  I wish I knew.

I wish I didn't care so much.  Why the fuck do I care so much what other people think? (That's rhetorical because I'm asking me and I know that I already don't know the answer to the question.)  I am constantly working on refocusing my energy to be spent on more worthwhile (internal) causes.

I wish I couldn't see the lies.  But I do.  It's what makes me such a great poker player.  My anxiety has caused me to spend most of my life being acutely aware of everyone around me.  I began picking up on others 'tells' at an early age.  This skill transformed nicely on the poker table.  It's beneficial there.  In life, not so much.  The world is filled with people spewing lies and deceit to each other for their own personal gain.  Because of their own insecurities.  I used to be one of those people.  I loathed the world and my goal in life was to mind-fuck everyone I encountered, with a fairly high success rate.

I wish I could turn back time.  I love saying, 'that I don't live with regrets', and I don't.  My journey has made me the man I am today and I love the path that I took to get here.  I do, however, feel remorse for the pain I caused along my way.  I wish I could unburden their hearts.  I wish I could undo any of the wreckage that is a result of my actions.  My addiction to Xanax allowed me to live life without a conscience.  I ran from the pain.  Like a coward, I ran.

I wish I wasn't lactose intolerant.  I love milk.

I wish the world was more forgiving.  We hate what we don't understand.  But there is no 'unknown', only gaps in knowledge.  People are cruel to those that are not like them, but it is only because they don't know them.  I have absorbed and lived in as many environments, communities, and cultures as possible, and every single time I came away with a new found respect and love for those people.  I wish the world didn't fear change.

I wish that there was a rule that before anyone attempted suicide, they had to spend five hours with me.

I wish all of you the best.  I wish I could personally impact anyone whose eyes fall on these words.  I wish you'd take a moment and keep reading.  If you've come this far, we've connected somehow, someway.  I wish you'd see that I'm trying to give back.  I'm trying to unburden some of your pain. I have traveled down a long, ugly path and I wish you'd never have to travel it.  I wish I could show everyone each bad decision I made, in hopes that they would not repeat it.  I wish no one ever lost hope.  I wish someone would tell me what happens to my soul when i die.  I wish I had this many wishes.  Actually, I wish I had just one, cause then I'd wish for more. 

I just wish I could make you understand.