Is Goddammit even a word?

God I hate talking about Religion.  It's one of my two taboo subjects that I refuse to discuss at work.  Politics being the other blasphemous verbiage that I refuse to enunciate while in the company of anyone at my company.  Those two topics are absolutely pointless to debate because you feel so passionately about them, it is practically insulting to try and sway someone to feel otherwise.  So, I'm apologizing in advance.

I actually have nothing to say about Politics because I hate Politics.  Voting is pointless.  I refuse to pick the lesser of the two evils.  Lobbyists and Money run our government.  Nothing else.

Religion, on the other hand, well, I feel I must explain how I feel about it, in order for you to understand why I continue searching for answers.

I was in the tenth grade when I became Atheist.  My teacher was kind enough to share with me his philosophy about God (thank you mr francis).

One day after class, he pulled me aside and explained to me his theory about religion, the bible, the Ten Commandments, and the Holy Trinity.  His words would change my life.

He said that thousands of years ago there was lawlessness and disorder in the world and there was no reason for anyone to act in any form of civil manner because before God, really, who gives a fuck?  Why be good?  There was no reason to be.


They didn't know of any beautiful heaven where people are given golds, riches, and virgin women.  They had never heard of such wonderful places that have lovely Golden Gates with a register booklet out front that is guarded by a man known as Saint Peter (i actually refer to my Penis as St Peter sometimes after he has entered the holiest of holy's.)  And does St Peter ever get a day off?  Ever?  We all get to have lavish lives while St Peter has to work security at the front gate every single day?  I just never thought that was fair.

So a group of men** came up with the concept of God.  The Bible (with its Ten Commandments) soon followed in order to reiterate the new teachings.  Christianity can be summed up in a few sentences:  A great man in the sky was awaiting you IF and only IF you were good and followed the Ten Commandments (which cover all your basic sins).  Then if you're a good boy or girl, then you get to go to this amazing place in the sky with this really cool, powerful guy with flowing brown hair, (and he always seemed to have great lighting behind him everywhere he went).

BUT, if you were BAD....oh man, forget about it.  You were going to hell, buddy.  And Hell, by the way, is pretty much the exact opposite of heaven.  It was hot and you would burn for eternity while being ass-raped by Hitler.

So being a do-gooder got you happiness, wealth, and riches BUT being bad, or sinning, means you go to the worst possible place you could think of.  These things do appear to be motivation to not cause chaos and mayhem, right?  It made sense to me.  I was a young, impressionable teenager and this educator was making sense.

Thus spawned my disbelief.

There are, however, some down sides to not believing in God.  Example:  Since I don't believe in him, I can't really go around saying his name every time I want to spice up a curse word.  Truthfully, I'm just not that good at cursing anymore.  Calling somebody a 'damn fool' just doesn't have the same effect when they're a 'Goddamn Fool!'  It just lacks the dramatic effect.  Now every time I want to say 'Jeeeesus Christ', I just say 'Jiminy Crickets', like the other Christians do.  At least my mother would be proud, even if we're avoiding the JC word for different reasons.  I just don't think he ever existed.  With that rationale, neither did Jiminy Crickets, so maybe I'll just not say anything and use the silence as a dramatic pause, (stop reading and count to five) Like THAT!

Now I haven't always been this 'anti-religion' because there were different periods of my life where I wanted to believe.....times that I tried to believe.  But I couldn't.  As I knelt at the altar and felt the 'holy water' being placed on my head, I knew it was all a farce.  I knew it wasn't real.  But I wanted for there to be a greater being, a Higher Power.  I wanted that.  I hoped that the big guy in the sky was going to swoop on down and fix the fucked up world I lived in.  I waited, hoped, and prayed that this magical figure would fix all my shit.  But he never did.

I believed in several moments of despair, but I was only trying to fool myself.  My inner self knew the truth.  My inner voice knew better.  And I'm not referring to an 'inner voice' as voices in my head or anything associated with a mental illness.  I'm referring to the Universal Voice that we all have inside of us telling us how to truly feel.  The quiet words that are spoken in your heart when you're able to remove all the fear and emotion out of your mind.  When you are able to form a decision (or thought) with an indescribable clarity because you've removed everything you've been taught or have learned about whatever it is that you're thinking about.  That's 'The Voice'.  When you can step outside of your emotion to stop and ask 'Why are you anxious right now?'  Or 'Why am I angry right now?' Or 'Why am I sad right now?'  If I really stop and think about what it is that is truly bothering me or upsetting me, it's usually something stupid that has no bearing on this moment. 

I use the term 'stupid' because that's usually how I feel after realizing how insignificant it all is, when viewed from a perspective outside yourself.  A point of view that is perceived on a much larger scale.  The little shit just doesn't matter as much, because it was usually an emotion from a learned trait in our past.  My Past is just that: My Past.  I'm not saying we can't all learn from our mistakes, but when you truly delve into whatever emotion it is that you're feeling, and you understand it for what it is, the sooner you'll be able to ignore it.  So much of what I've learned has been from people teaching me what they were taught, or possibly what they felt.  I'm not them.  I don't believe in what they believe in, so why would I accept their teachings.

These are people who think a 'Happy Life' is one that has two vacations a year and a good retirement plan.  They praise God on Sundays in hopes that they are pleasing their future landlord.  These people think that the better they are, the bigger house they get when they die.  Why wouldn't they live their lives in accordance with his teachings, if that's what they believe.  They want that Gold Fucking Mansion in the sky.  I respect everyone's belief as their own, and my intent is not to demean or belittle anyone's religion.  That's their religion, because that's their belief.  But I believe something different.

Those people aren't me.  They don't believe in what I believe in.  They have their little lives all planned out.  They're cool with their little 'pie in the sky', whenever the hell they get there.  I'm not going there.

So if I stop living in the past and I draw on my inner voice, my true self, then I can truly be living in the moment.

Yesterday's gone.  Tomorrow will be here when it gets here.  I'm trying to live for today.  I still plan for my future, but I don't worry about it.  I know it will work out.  I know it'll be great.  Today was.  I can't appreciate the beauty of what's in front of me today, if I'm worried about tomorrow.


I only have another forty to fifty years before my organs begin to disappoint me, so I'm trying to learn now.  What the fuck is going to happen to me when I die?  Reincarnation?  I find it hard to believe I'm coming back as another being.  If that happens, would my memory be erased?  Are certain things in life allowed to be recalled in the next life?  My previous lifes' memory would probably just fuck with me all the time, because it liked hearing me use the word Deja Vu.  

Our species has done wonders in the last two hundred years.  Our technological, scientific, and medical progress is damn near immeasurable.  A hundred years ago if you told a guy riding a horse that his grandaddy would be able to fly with a jet-pack, he'd of scalped you, hung you, and the town folk would have rejoiced at the death of an evil sorcerer.  

So if we can progress that far with something as menial as transportation (i call it menial because I currently am not allowed a license in the state of Pennsylvania), think of how far we can advance in mental awareness, if only more people were researching the cause.

70% of scientists are atheist because they understand logic and rationale.  The Big Bang Theory is real and explainable for those that are open to listening.  But most aren't. 

I just don't know yet what happens to me when I die.  I don't exactly know why I'm here.  And I still don't know why the fuck we're only using ten percent of our brain.  There's still so much more to learn.

I can't even believe that I'm the same person that tried to take his own life on two different occasions.  I must have been in a bad place to want to end my life, especially when I had no idea what would happen to me IF I ended it.  Although it was only three years ago, it seems like another lifetime.

Being able to endure those times of despair allowed me to appreciate life so much more.  I don't want to just exist.  I don't want to be another one of the billions of corpses rotting below my feet, that made no impact on this world.  I was destined for great things, they just haven't happened yet.  But when they get here, I want to be ready.

So I search.  Knowledge is power.  I continue to search.

I live in the moment as I search for answers about my future.  I love life.  I love right now.  As my fingers tap the keys, I am grinning.  I am happy.  I am alive.

                                                  ***************




**I suspect this group of men also came up with the idea of Santa Claus.  Same premise, except to be used on kids.  If you're good, you get a happy Xmas.  If you're bad, you don't get shit.

Scared, Nervous Tough Guy

"World's strangest secret:  We become what we think about most of the time" - Earl Nightingale

The mind is just that powerful.  So I simply decided that I wasn't going to live like that anymore.  If I was going to become consumed by my fear and anxiety, then that is what I would become:  A scared, nervous tough guy.

I spent many years perfecting my craft as the strong, silent type, so i was able to build a shell of mystery with my inability to discuss my emotions or let you into my world.  My past would always remain a mystery because it wouldn't be discussed.  Ladies love the strong, silent tough guys with a mysterious past.  I've gotten laid more 'on accident' than most guys have 'on purpose'.  I lived my life as a Caucasian Antonio Banderas, minus the cool accent and the guitar case full of guns.  I spoke little, but when I did, it was well thought out and smooooooth. 

While I was in my 20's, moving to various cities and states, I was successful at earning a myriad of nicknames while living in some less-than-stellar neighborhoods, such as, 'White Chocolate' (I could play basketball), 'Black' (I was the only white guy that lived in the apartment complex), and 'Loco Gringo' (after I ran into a burning house, owned by latinos).  I've always considered myself sort of like the Cool Hand Luke of my generation, except I don't own a sweet ass bike.

I was raised in a household where you didn't talk about Shit.  Everyone was notorious for sweeping all problems under the proverbial carpet.  Throw in a family with a history of mental illness (grandfather committed suicide), along with a Mother that didn't really speak to you because she's afraid you'd cause a ripple in her pool of love that she shared with her new found, crazy husband, and you can see why life seemed dismal, at times.

Simply put, the cards were stacked against me, or so I thought.  I had PLENTY of excuses to use as to why I was not succeeding in life:  I wasn't loved, I was suffering from depression, I was addicted to pain pills, I was molested as a child.  But they were just that:  Excuses.  They were alleged reasons in my life for me to not get ahead.  Everyone was against me (I had 'Mike Against The World' tattooed across my back).  No one loved me.  So I cried for me.  Poor me.  Whoa is me.  Whaaaa, Whaaa, Whaaa.

I accepted defeat.  I felt that I was destined to follow in the steps of my father and grandfather, and I, too, was to become a failure. But then something crazy happened.  I made a decision to make a change.  I simply made a decision to make a change.  It was just that simple (with some elaborate underlay, of course).

I've always known that the mind was powerful beyond what we know.  At an early age, there were three things I remember hearing/reading that fascinated me:

1.  We use less than 10% of our brains
2.  A person placed under hypnosis was told that a hot iron was being placed on her skin and a blister formed.  In actuality, they placed an ice cube on her arm.  However, the blister formed, because she thought it was a hot iron. (that shit is deep)
3.  masturbation was a real thing

Less than ten percent of our brains?  What the fuck is the other ninety percent doing?  Like what the fuck's going on up there?  What a fucking waste.  If you're going to be up there and you're going to be referred to as 'matter', you might as well make yourself fucking useful.  I mean, really, ten percent?  Really?  I can't think of one example where having that low of a percentage is even remotely close to being a good thing.  Wait.  Nevermind.  I did think of one.  The one in the case where five percent of the country owns ninety five percent of the money - I kinda want to be in that low percentile there.  I want to be so rich, I own a jester.  Yes, that's right.  A jester.  I want a grown man in a silky, purple outfit with expensive buttons on it to tell me great jokes and makes me laugh.  I mean, who doesn't love to laugh?  Duh.

So I became convinced that I would be able to find a way to use more of the ol' noggin.  I just didn't know how at such an early age.  However, I'm now certain that an individual that constantly uses positive, motivational thoughts is tapping into that unused energy.  If you think that your life has just taken a turn for the better, it will.  Every day is an opportunity to expand your knowledge and become a better, greater person.

Ever since hearing, as a child, that the mind could cause the skin to blister simply by believing that it indeed was being burned, I always knew that our potential has not even come close to being reached.  I was constantly reading self-help books ranging in titles from "Fearproof Your Life" to "The Power Within", all in attempts to learn how to use empowering thoughts to help turn my life around and enrich my soul.  An educated mind is better than one filled with unimportant, useless facts.

I try to spend a minimal amount of time doing nothing, such as sleeping and watching TV.  I hate sleeping.  Oh, that's a lie.  I actually love it, but I wish I didn't.  I wish I didn't have to.  I wish my body didn't crave the need for an afternoon nap on a dreary, rainy Sunday, but it does.  I've said for years that I'll sleep when I die.  I try to run on a minimal amount of 'shut eye', but as my body ages, I also understand the importance of having a rested body and mind.  Thoughts are so much clearer and the body is so much more energized after a nice, long slumber.  I just wish it didn't have to be that way.

So after two suicide attempts via overdose, numerous hospitals, rehabs, outpatient clinics, halfway houses, countless misdiagnosing doctors, and more failed relationships than I could count, I was ready to make a change.  I Decided to make a change.  I was tired of living in a complete state of misery and despair.  Fuck the Bullshit, it was time to be happy.  Too many years wasted with my shoulders slumped and my head down.

It was time to do great things.

This epiphany occurred almost two years ago.  I've been on a comeback ever since.  I've made great decisions, created great karma with positive energy, and I've eliminated the word 'failure' from my vocabulary.

I have been promoted four times within the past two years and my income has nearly doubled.  I also just accepted another position, in the same company, that could potentially allow me to increase my income by 300%.  Great things continue to happen to me, so I continue to do great things every single day, even when nobody's looking.  I strongly believe in the 'laws of attraction' so my thoughts continually stay focused on goals that I'm attempting to achieve.

One of Socrates greatest teachings was that we know nothing.  How could we?  We only use ten percent of our brain. 

So the search for knowledge continues....