Scared, Nervous Tough Guy

"World's strangest secret:  We become what we think about most of the time" - Earl Nightingale

The mind is just that powerful.  So I simply decided that I wasn't going to live like that anymore.  If I was going to become consumed by my fear and anxiety, then that is what I would become:  A scared, nervous tough guy.

I spent many years perfecting my craft as the strong, silent type, so i was able to build a shell of mystery with my inability to discuss my emotions or let you into my world.  My past would always remain a mystery because it wouldn't be discussed.  Ladies love the strong, silent tough guys with a mysterious past.  I've gotten laid more 'on accident' than most guys have 'on purpose'.  I lived my life as a Caucasian Antonio Banderas, minus the cool accent and the guitar case full of guns.  I spoke little, but when I did, it was well thought out and smooooooth. 

While I was in my 20's, moving to various cities and states, I was successful at earning a myriad of nicknames while living in some less-than-stellar neighborhoods, such as, 'White Chocolate' (I could play basketball), 'Black' (I was the only white guy that lived in the apartment complex), and 'Loco Gringo' (after I ran into a burning house, owned by latinos).  I've always considered myself sort of like the Cool Hand Luke of my generation, except I don't own a sweet ass bike.

I was raised in a household where you didn't talk about Shit.  Everyone was notorious for sweeping all problems under the proverbial carpet.  Throw in a family with a history of mental illness (grandfather committed suicide), along with a Mother that didn't really speak to you because she's afraid you'd cause a ripple in her pool of love that she shared with her new found, crazy husband, and you can see why life seemed dismal, at times.

Simply put, the cards were stacked against me, or so I thought.  I had PLENTY of excuses to use as to why I was not succeeding in life:  I wasn't loved, I was suffering from depression, I was addicted to pain pills, I was molested as a child.  But they were just that:  Excuses.  They were alleged reasons in my life for me to not get ahead.  Everyone was against me (I had 'Mike Against The World' tattooed across my back).  No one loved me.  So I cried for me.  Poor me.  Whoa is me.  Whaaaa, Whaaa, Whaaa.

I accepted defeat.  I felt that I was destined to follow in the steps of my father and grandfather, and I, too, was to become a failure. But then something crazy happened.  I made a decision to make a change.  I simply made a decision to make a change.  It was just that simple (with some elaborate underlay, of course).

I've always known that the mind was powerful beyond what we know.  At an early age, there were three things I remember hearing/reading that fascinated me:

1.  We use less than 10% of our brains
2.  A person placed under hypnosis was told that a hot iron was being placed on her skin and a blister formed.  In actuality, they placed an ice cube on her arm.  However, the blister formed, because she thought it was a hot iron. (that shit is deep)
3.  masturbation was a real thing

Less than ten percent of our brains?  What the fuck is the other ninety percent doing?  Like what the fuck's going on up there?  What a fucking waste.  If you're going to be up there and you're going to be referred to as 'matter', you might as well make yourself fucking useful.  I mean, really, ten percent?  Really?  I can't think of one example where having that low of a percentage is even remotely close to being a good thing.  Wait.  Nevermind.  I did think of one.  The one in the case where five percent of the country owns ninety five percent of the money - I kinda want to be in that low percentile there.  I want to be so rich, I own a jester.  Yes, that's right.  A jester.  I want a grown man in a silky, purple outfit with expensive buttons on it to tell me great jokes and makes me laugh.  I mean, who doesn't love to laugh?  Duh.

So I became convinced that I would be able to find a way to use more of the ol' noggin.  I just didn't know how at such an early age.  However, I'm now certain that an individual that constantly uses positive, motivational thoughts is tapping into that unused energy.  If you think that your life has just taken a turn for the better, it will.  Every day is an opportunity to expand your knowledge and become a better, greater person.

Ever since hearing, as a child, that the mind could cause the skin to blister simply by believing that it indeed was being burned, I always knew that our potential has not even come close to being reached.  I was constantly reading self-help books ranging in titles from "Fearproof Your Life" to "The Power Within", all in attempts to learn how to use empowering thoughts to help turn my life around and enrich my soul.  An educated mind is better than one filled with unimportant, useless facts.

I try to spend a minimal amount of time doing nothing, such as sleeping and watching TV.  I hate sleeping.  Oh, that's a lie.  I actually love it, but I wish I didn't.  I wish I didn't have to.  I wish my body didn't crave the need for an afternoon nap on a dreary, rainy Sunday, but it does.  I've said for years that I'll sleep when I die.  I try to run on a minimal amount of 'shut eye', but as my body ages, I also understand the importance of having a rested body and mind.  Thoughts are so much clearer and the body is so much more energized after a nice, long slumber.  I just wish it didn't have to be that way.

So after two suicide attempts via overdose, numerous hospitals, rehabs, outpatient clinics, halfway houses, countless misdiagnosing doctors, and more failed relationships than I could count, I was ready to make a change.  I Decided to make a change.  I was tired of living in a complete state of misery and despair.  Fuck the Bullshit, it was time to be happy.  Too many years wasted with my shoulders slumped and my head down.

It was time to do great things.

This epiphany occurred almost two years ago.  I've been on a comeback ever since.  I've made great decisions, created great karma with positive energy, and I've eliminated the word 'failure' from my vocabulary.

I have been promoted four times within the past two years and my income has nearly doubled.  I also just accepted another position, in the same company, that could potentially allow me to increase my income by 300%.  Great things continue to happen to me, so I continue to do great things every single day, even when nobody's looking.  I strongly believe in the 'laws of attraction' so my thoughts continually stay focused on goals that I'm attempting to achieve.

One of Socrates greatest teachings was that we know nothing.  How could we?  We only use ten percent of our brain. 

So the search for knowledge continues....